Over in the USA there lives a Catholic bigot in some basement, just him and his typewriter, and he’s Jesus’ real representative on this Earth. His name is Bill. And Bill must defend the Catholic god and the Catholic faith, whenever it gets threatened by the activities of decent human beings, you know, like, humanists or even *gasp* atheists. Now Billy has done something a little bit confusing even by his standards, he has called on his small flock of deluded fanatics to adopt an atheist.
I mean sure, it’s condescending, it’s arrogant, it presupposes that atheists are just Christians in denial who, if given a stern speaking-to by one of Bill’s acolytes, will cave in like a marshmellow in a cup of coffee and concede their Christian heritage and repressed love for the Catholic god. Or something.
Now Billy Donahue pretends that this campaign is a response to David Silverman’s recent statement that there might be atheists in people’s families that they don’t know about.
Here’s what our campaign entails. We are asking everyone to contact the American Atheist affiliate in his area [click here], letting them know of your interest in “adopting” one of them. All it takes is an e-mail. Let them know of your sincere interest in working with them to uncover their inner self. They may be resistant at first, but eventually they may come to understand that they were Christian all along.
If we hurry, these closeted Christians can celebrate Christmas like the rest of us. As an added bonus, they will no longer be looked upon as people who “believe in nothing, stand for nothing and are good for nothing.”
Please adopt me, Billy! It will keep you off the street at least, and during that time you can’t do any more harm. And I have a feeling that atheists do celebrate Christmas “like the rest of us”, it’s just that we know of the history of this holiday and don’t have to claim it for a Jewish carpenter to be enjoying it.
As to what we believe in or stand for, equality, tolerance, education, social security, science, evidence, you may say that these things are good for nothing, but here we must disagree, and this is where you show yourself to be a good-for-nothing blow-up doll kook, while nonbelievers and secularists try to make the world a better place, working for a world with less hate and bigotry of the kind spread by the likes of you, Bill Donahue.
So I won’t be asking atheists to adopt a Christian, because we are not condescending slime like the Catholic League.
